x_Hope dangles on a string_x

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-08-23T14:06:00

2008-08-23T19:09:45Z

i just have a lot on my mind

thing have been perfect lately i feel like i totaly figured myself out.

you werent even close it sad but you werent.

my friends you weaved your way out all of you. ALL THE SHIT YOU TALK shuve it up your asses. Dont you hate it when people do that yeah i do so why the fuck you all doing it. just breath there dumb and think they can do what they want but if i did it to them or was doing it how dare i right? fuck it. sometimes i just want to say stuff to people and im like no why start a fight or why say something

i just want to be like say it or dont you know like dont be all shadddddy about it and fake.

I also dont like people being so rude, get away she mine.

and stop going into my past your mad annoying breathes that felt good.

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-05-29T17:50:00

2008-05-29T21:53:30Z

I think to much......
stop thinking
just say its okay its not what it is at all or it would be different
i hope your just not lieing because were so close
you would tell me right i wouldnt hate you...
uhhh im over thinking.....

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-05-28T14:05:00

2008-05-28T18:13:39Z

lalala work so stressful but not...

Just be chillen around doing what I always do who I like to hang with I end up with them everyday but I enjoy it..
Played wiffle ball yesterday and had a picnic yes a picnic okay..

Its really weird but I know its fine.
Its just that well its complicated.
But then you do something again piss me off whatever
you dont have consideration
im excited to watch my life this summer...
i mean look at all the change in like 4 months
i know it was good
you couldnt handle me
there has to be a fight with me
still sad to see things end but so amazing to see this new start

I went to Ptown this weekend so much fun!!!

Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent
<3 hehe

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-05-17T15:38:00

2008-05-17T19:47:03Z

In the past few monthss I have learned so much.

I have found out I am either Bi or a lesbian its complicated
I have told my mother.
I have met new people who i am deeply found of
i hope i dont loose them i really fucked up espically her.

I have grew so close to my bestfriend it is unbelievable i love her so much.

I do have an angry problem I really need to get help with that.

I have lost friends but im not worried because thats part of life.

Im a manger now ha i grow up so fast what is wrong with me.

i have learned you have to think before you do things and treat people with respect and not complain

i have hurt so many people and im so sorry.
please dont hate me.

its hard letting go and i suck at it i always have.
its going to be a big change but im ready for it. i think.
no matter how i know its good its sad so sad, i will miss you
you taught me so much and i dont regret a moment i dont.

a new notebook a new start. im ready.v

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-04-27T22:48:00

2008-04-28T02:54:15Z

Okay so everything isnt perfect why does it have to be for real. Like im perfectly content with this sort of i may
say a lot of shit but i dont mean it is it smart prob but so what.
Im not so confused any more
i have more of a grasp
and im back to believing everything does happen for a reason
so i know it wll come again i know i see it
in the eyes in the emotions,.
i dont like the changes but i dont have a choice its okay

Hey love, I wont hurt you
Night will come and go
I wont hurt you
You'll never dream alone

yeah wish i could find this.
i just want to feel secure
or a little change i change to make someone happy

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-04-21T23:15:00

2008-04-22T03:19:02Z

WOW you know
the curtain closed but a new play starts.

Im so happy like things make me miserable but
its weird how you think something was perfect and how you can ignore something
but you really just need to listen to your heart its smarter than your head thats a fact

mmm<3

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-04-15T22:37:00

2008-04-16T02:39:15Z

Im so all over the place it drives me insane.
I have so much stuff I would like to just say
Like I may be a bitch but im the most caring fucking bitch you ever meet.
im so done with it though gets me know wheere alll the money i gave ha
no where to help not like i need help btu like i just gave gave gave stupid me

ever start to realize all the bad things after like i have been in a bubble now im in the world its shocking
but refreshing
dont care about anyone opinion well i do but whatever

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-03-27T18:36:00

2008-03-27T22:36:59Z

For

all of this

Im better off with out you!

FUCK THIS SHADY SHIT ;-)

i dont give a shit what you guys think of that
FUCKING TALK ABOUT ME!! DO IT
NOT LIKE YOU A.LL HAVENT BUT CONTINUE IT
YOU WANT TO MAKE ME THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD
FUCKING THANK YOU FUCKERS

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-03-26T17:23:00

2008-03-26T21:24:33Z

Life is out of control.

enjoy life.
one day at a time.

mind my keeps thinking it doesn't stop.
my heart keeps feeling things
my body feels run down.
life oh life

you killed me i dont think you get it.
no one does
you made cmmetns to people thought you understood me
guess not guess everyone lies and hides shit.
whatever im over it thanks for being back stabbing

going insane

2008-03-04T14:32:44Z

cant handle
going to break down
breaking down
emotional
vomiting
crying
stressed
smiles
fake
laughs
fake
feels right
feels wrong
tired
worn
going crazy
cant deal with this
why did i do this
i did it for good reason
is it a good reason
dont jsudge me
dont hate me
love me
you do love me
i love you
but then why oh boy

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-01-28T22:01:00

2008-01-29T03:02:02Z

Why thank you ;--)

I want to do something interesting.
I want to go to the mueseum of science and learn.
I just dont want to go that far.... blah I still want to go lets go......

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-01-27T12:39:00

2008-01-27T17:44:13Z

Im so over it.
overaaaaaaaaaaaateddddd

I finally got it figured out.
Life is like the ocean calm and bliss
But some times theres a storm makes it a little rocky

No charge. A favor. There are real people.

Its funny no?The people that I thought would not be in my life ever again well
one I live with and the other i dont know why i was fighting it.

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-01-20T16:48:00

2008-01-20T21:58:26Z

Ha you want to lie? BYE

You want to be not true? BYE

You want t be shady not be real? BYE BYE

I don't think people get me still. I'm a bitch, I stand for what I think and thats how it is going to be. I dont change my opinion and I love testing people and making comments. Don't think I am going to change it . This is what is going to get me through this world as a smart beautiful woman so all I have to say to all you people if you came in my path and I have hurt you I do not appologize fo my thoughts you dont get places by agreeing with people you get somewhere being you and standing for it no matter what people say or do.I am at the point of my life I am not here to forgive and go back. I am here to move on and change if your in my path I love you and you know it because i show it too you. If you dont like what i have to say i dont cae im over it so you get over it don't think it hurts me. Being nice just sucks to much.

lonelyheart13x @ 2008-01-03T05:02:00

2008-01-03T10:13:32Z

So its the new year and you know what I already don't like it.
My car door is locked froze all the time people called out of work so im covering 52 hours this week. A fucking bomb ass check but im miserable and it doesnt help people make me worse. I want to loose my weight so fast i want people to notice but i guess its in my head and im not. Its not even a new year resolution its just in general my life goal for my friends to see that just because im not like 5'1 and tiny i can be skinny. everyone was right . i cant talk to you it fustrates me. i want to tell you how everytime i see you i get hurt because you lie to my face. i want to tell you your present hurt me i put so much thought into it you have no idea i dont think you care. and you say your going to get me something but you dont you get her something so expensive and it not about the money its the thought and your present is what you give people your not close to and you hurt me. you also hurt me you think we just argue about it but no you bother me too you always have to tell me why im being ridiclous and why i need to calm down because how im wrong. i listen to you all the time and i never tell you that the other person your yelling about is right but you always do maybe because its always about the other persont hat hurts me which fucks me in my head because i cant talk to anyone about it because they dont understand or theyll say a comment i dont wna to do i just want people to get me to see i hurt everyday and hate me everyday im not normal.and you both make it so bad sometimes i want to leave and run away like far away and never exist.....

My new year resolution is for 2008 please make this one a good one i might have a mental break down.

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-11-28T08:29:00

2007-11-28T13:39:51Z

So I know I haven't posted in this so long but I thought I would give a little update. Nikki, John and I moved into an apartment two Saturdays ago, it is so surreal. It's almost all put together where just waiting for John's dad to give us his old entertainment center. I just can not grasp it because everything worked out so perfectly and the aparement is so gorgeous. I can't wait to have my friends over and we have a little party, not like my outdoors ones of course ha.
         John and I are wonderful I just never get sick of him. Yes we bicker; but isn't that normal? I just love him so much I just can not put it in words. Maybe people think I am crazy because this is my first realationship so I don't know. But no it's not that I want to be with him he completes me. When I'm not with him I miss him. I want him to be with me at all times and enjoy what I enjoy. I'm glad him and Nikki got a long so well that I was able to move in with them both. Although I have great friends I could of moved in with as well but I think this is the best combination. It's funny because, Nikki and I use to talk about having apartment together when we were younger, and then when I was getting an apartment with John I got a little sad thinking I wasn't going to have one with Nikki, but I got the enjoyment of both.
        The other day I called Mikecal just to ask a question and I forgot his birthday. I can't believe I grew apart from so many people that i forgot their birthday. It just sucks you know? Like Lizz and Kate said in there LJ's that you know it is sad we don't have our group anymore or I dont hang out with the guys I use too. It sucks a lot actually, but everyone is different now and I hate it but I love that were all growing up I just hope the people invite to the apartment will chill.
      Other than the emotional stuff I think im doing very well besides me stressing like usually. My job has its up and down and I hate my new manger but what you going to do. Well little update is over so BYE BYE!

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-10-06T11:53:00

2007-10-06T15:58:32Z

I am having problems.
I said it. I dont know where to go or what to do.
Im having more trouble dealing with it.
Why do I get so mad why dont I let people there
why does it feel like my world is coslapsing im sitting here in my room and i dont want to move at all i want to curl up in bawl
We went to the club last night and i was having fun laughing with my bestest
but then i felt trapped i felt like this is what i feel everyday i
didnt want to tell anyone but i couldnt do it i felt like i might colasp
i dont think it was aniexty i didnt have pain but i didnt feel nright at all.
i just want to like myself im so negative about everything about me.
im just not happy with the way i look te things i do
i feel like im the worst person ever
i need him and her they are the only ones i could let in
but there the only two i try to push away all the time
neither one of them never reject me and peoeple might
say their fools and how could they deal with nme but i need them
im so mean to them im so mean to me
i need to get out of this life this feeling
where do i go....

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-08-29T13:20:00

2007-08-29T17:23:23Z

I want this...
but i will never have it.
no matter how hard i try it seems to never work and i give up and not care
then i start to do it again.
Im not a eating machine.
I like my chips i like my food.
but jesus. im disgusting.
I hate everything i put on
no matter what its a outfit that i ended up saying fuck it this is the best thing.
I know my boyfriend loves me blah how i am
but ii want others to still look i still want to feel sexy and hot...
i want to look good.
i hate my skinny friends. i always look at them or other girls or woman that just look so good..
and i will never be them.
ever.
ihateme.

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-06-18T00:30:00

2007-06-18T04:42:41Z

so im baccckkkkk.
you miss me?
it was perfect
but what isnt since i have been with him.

mexico our escape. i love him.

i went to nikkis the other day.

she asked some of us to go see mom.

i hate going there

i went of course

buti hate it there...

the popo showing up bringing me to the lowest to the grown not being able to feel what i feel.

no understanding what how any of it could happen. his warm touch and the smell of his cologne was still with me. how can in a half bhour someone leave you..... i never go there... ever.. i like to belive his coming back like on my wedding like a surprise. like a child in a way knows santa doesnt exsist but likes to hope to see him one night.b then i go there and its like BAM BAM you moron its not going to happen. but then it hit me as i sat there cryiing while nikki was withher mom. and his stone had bird poo on it and i wiped it with my hand. how i then felt like the world worst daughter. he didnt even want to be burried and here selfish kortnie goes putting a piece of him in the ground. and then not goign to see him. why did i even bother... wow i hate myself for that. i want to burry it up and set him free. but i know thats not possible. so today i got mulch and flowers and went to his grave and cleaned the stone off and planted flowers. im going to see him a nlot now. i think i need to see someone. i think i will. im sick of not apreciating myself. or holding my self down low so much. i dont want to have a temper anymore.n i want to make theones i love happy. espically him. i really cant loose him. and if i loose him to my way of how i am i will nver forgive myself. ever.

happy daddys day

love daddys lil girl <3

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
i am the autumns gentle rain
When you awaken in the mornings
Of quiet brids in circled flight I am
The soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there I did not die.

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-06-07T23:05:00

2007-06-08T03:09:16Z

i have learned to hide my feelings so well.
wouldnt you agree
the secrets and angry i can keep in now.
im like amazing.
no one effects me now.
nothing.
vacation in a day
I LEAVE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS :-D
Well you know besides i have 1 in mind. ha.
peace peps

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-05-14T19:26:00

2007-05-14T23:28:57Z

You suck. :-) ill never tell you that but you do.
F U. you dont even care to wonder huh?

thank you for trying to make me smile when know one new or cared. you made me smile and tried so hard.
i truely love byou and i coudlnt imagine someone treating me better than what you do. i love you.

im happy were gettting closer. for real.

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-04-23T10:42:00

2007-04-23T14:47:10Z

Life is what you make it.

This is the best quote
if you want to be immature your life.
you dont want me in your life its your life
dont want to call your life.
your my friend you do what you want with it.
i love being friends with many people.
i realized i dont want you that close to me
but i want you in my life.
life is comign to place for me
because im startng to realize this quote
i got you out of my life and was me for a reason.
i hurt people but if they love me they dont keep me away
one true person kept me no matter what i say or do. my baby
life is what i make it
so i keep him close
i love the people i hang with
im sick of trying what do i do it for.
im done watching what i say
you dont want to talk im cool with it
im cool with everyone
i got rid of the people id ont want in my life
good they werent ment for me.
im so happy with life.
im going to bahamas soon.
with three great people
you cant ask for more.
so one last time

life is what you make it sweathearts<3

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-04-05T20:38:00

2007-04-06T00:38:02Z

this is going priovate im sick of people being shit.
ill talk about you behind a private lock :-) better for me
hahahah

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-03-30T10:29:00

2007-03-30T14:29:23Z

INSTRUCTIONS:
delete these ten statements,
and write your own ten statements,
intended to different people.
never tell which one is to who
things you've always wanted to tell people

I coppied this from Nikkis friend caity.

1.) I metting you because we hated each other was weird. I thought we were so different but wer enot. Thats why i can hurt you and you can hurt me but i deal with you drama love becaiuse i have it. I deal wiht your need to be needed because that is me. Your temper is ridiclous and sometimes im like will you chill but i couldnt have you away and no matter what anyone says ill need you there. Weither you believe me or not. you grew me up. I dont have many tantrums because of you just letting me have them. you gave me the experience to party and showed me people love me i dont have to be fake to be loved.that i will find someone one. so ever can say your a bitch and i will say i love that bitch to the fucking core even though its different now. its not. just spaced out more.

2.) we use to be friends were not. nor we will ever be. but your the extreme. tallk talk is all i have to say. i was immature and foolish and i always want to say it to your face but i wont nor will i ever. but i am you bothered me but we did have a bond. I recharged my phone last night and the first picture i took was with you. You protected me when i cried for days you stood up for me when you didnt have to you understood my feelings. you exgerate but your great for that. everyone needs a good storyign telling. You suck at directions but it was great that you did. you cooudlnt deal with my temper and inm sorry i had one so i could still have you around. always know your always will be in my heart as the crazy innocent girl i once couldnt be without. im happy your happy with him,. even if i did hate him. jealousy ruins a lot.

3.) You killed me. you still dont get it. you make excuses for it but its not excused that why i treat you like i do. I say your shit to me but i fyou needed me to pick you up from a party for some fuckign reason i would pick you up. i dont know why i would but i would. You were my bestfriend you like to say we are but you know were not and i know you want it bad. but you cant have my heart again. no one has ever hurt me like you. and i still dont understand why you threw it away for something you said was noty even good for me. I hate how you think your betyter than me because your skinnier. bestfriend dont do that. but i love yoru beauty i love your personalty i love how you needed me. my fear of rollar coaster is gone because of you. thank you. you know im hear even though i hate that i am! but i am and i will be and you know that .

4.) your life is so ridiclous but thats why i will never get rid of you. you were the only friend their for me when my father died. and thats the plan truth. the odd thing is was that you didnt even know me. i think thats why i hold an attatchment to you too. my immaturness made me loose you. but we wouldnt had a friendship to long anways were to different. but not different enough to not be still friends. i feel like you will be gone from my life soon. because me or you i dont know. i think you say your opinions to rudely as when we hungt out and you hurt my friends. i know your friend is once my close friend but that doesnt give you the right the talk bad because i dont let her talk bad. you bothered me but im not being immature i will keep you in my life. i wish you luck in your future i wish you luck in your love life you make me nervous and very confused but i wish you luck.

5.) I HATED you. BUT because my stubborn friend didnt want me anymor ei went to you whichbrought this sense of comfort. your to senstive to be my friend and its plain and simple. Im aggresive and i dont agree with your dessions. i know you woudl never like him but i dot like you around him i dont like you talking to him. i dont like how you get alongwith him. enough badness. my favorite moment with you is goign to the beach with the little ones. my favorite moment EVER. i miss you but i wont admit nor willi do soemthing about it because i dont like you around him.but I MISS you.. i think about you alwasy when a certains ong comes in and a little tearness happens.

6.) you. you. i try so hard for you. no reason why. your way to senstive as well you always have been. but we had an attachement. i think i grew up to fast i didnt have the spoilness you did. nor will i ever. we have our moments you dont want me to get to close becaue you know im high maitness because i love the attention i know this. and thats why i shun you away because you get into my heart and i HATE THAT. i hate how you can make me upset and make me cry. you are the only friend i beg to be back with and cry because i cant. i want our friendhsip to be when were old. like we use to say just sitting and rocking chairs. im crying now writing this. i know her rigth about numver thing was about me and shes right. i want to be her because i want the attention back i hurt you because i can. because i hate how you effect me. i hate how she effects you. shes rigth as well saying you wont always be there shes right. i know she is. id do anythign for you miles away and you were stuck i would come. im crying writing this. i talk to him abotu you how im sitll mad how you still hrut me he called me a two year old. i am and you knwo this. thats why shes wrong. you wont not car about me. your not strong enough to come at me or yell at me like me. but you do it scretly behind my back. i hate that but its okay. yoru bithday is what i hope i show you i care. its something im workign so hatrd on. because i love you so much. i cant belive im crying writing this. i dont want you to leave like she wrote you will.

I need you . I realy do need you I hope you realize that. We have to may insides and to many atttacements to let it die. Please see that and come back to me. I need your friendship.

7.) you’re the love of my life. I hope you don’t get mad at me when I write this. Sometimes I think maybe we shouldn’t have started you sleeping over all the time. I have an attachement now and I cant have you not with out me but It has to come soon or later. Maybe we should try it but I don’t want too but it has to come soon or later I don’t want oo. I don’t know hwta bi think I hate this. I love you so much. An di don’t know how to be without you that I don’t want to start to live or be without you. You deal with my temper you deal with me. You love me. I love you. I want to marry you I do. You fit me. You please me you do everything for me and I love you for that. No matter what I say or do don’t leave or fall for someone els.e I say I want you to have the experience with someone else but I don’t mean that at all. Nope I don’t. you might realize im not that great I love you and I always will. I miss my friends a lot but not like I miss you. You’re my everything.I don’t like how you don’t have guy friends. I hate when people call you gay I hate peoples opinions on you . Because your perfect and sweet and funny and you make me smile. And your spoil me. You please my needy needs. Should we be more separte no. we shouldn’t. but… no we shouldn’t this party I don’t want to sleep there I want to sleep with you. I couldn’t even sleep at her house how am I going to sleep here? Ill prob end up doing the same thing. But this party is further… I need to see you.. What will I do. This thought makes me miserable…

8.) I don’t know you but I don’t lik you. The times I have hung out with you we don’t match or fit we are totally different and I don’t like your personalty. Its not because of her either. Im not the only one either. I just don’t fit with you. You cant like everyone and you know this. I have a short temoer and I have hurt her. So,. People make mistakes. Its me how am I suppose to change that’s why she has not left because she knows its me. She knew since the day she met me. Im a bitch bitch bitch. Maybe your too nice that’s why I don’t like you I don’t know. But I think you hide htings. You lie and you judge to much. But thatds my outer core view on you. I have wrote to much on you for someone I don’t know. End.

i only have 8 nwhatever

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-03-26T23:01:00

2007-03-27T03:02:25Z

FOR REAL ALL MINE<3 IM IN LOVE
MY BABIES<3 AHHHHH

lonelyheart13x @ 2007-03-23T10:21:00

2007-03-23T14:31:10Z

So right now I am in the sun on a picnic table on my lab top.
BEAUTIFUL. WONDERFUL.

Life is not to bad. Little stress but whatever.
I dont like school. It is just something that waste time. I dont find interest and i should because im learning about my carreer but like the teachers make it so boring and dumb i just dont even want to deal with it.

I hate how i made my dads saying on his grave stone a song. Because when ever i hear it i cry. Fuck I suck.
I miss him. I went for a walk with john in my back yard, and all i thought about was me and daddy. Picking rasberries, teaching me how to ice skate, everyday the same thing wait for me to get off the bus go for a walk with molly. Go home do my homework. Mom come home we start dinner. Dad cook the dinner me and mom would make the salad and set the table. Then me and dad would watch wheel of fortune. Play cards tickle fights... i miss those so much.... I miss going always to the movies with my dad or arcades him spending so much money just so i could have the cool prize i would like just for a week. Telling me its okay to fight with my mom. Him spending every dime on me. Me meaning so much to me. I never really relized how much my parents loved me. How close they made me to them. I love my mom and i love my dad.

Its k though. My cruise is like 2months away fuck. im so excited.

Keep your head up., Moving on

My relationship is almost a year WO where did it go. Best feeling is living with the one you love<3 who spoils you.

x___Hope dangles on a string___x